Now I know that I don’t want to lose you.

You mean something to me.

But.

Like.

Ugh.

I still want other people too.

You’ve been gone for weeks now and you’ve cut off all contact with me.

And like, I’m pretty much over it.

But now, my other lover is trying to be with me.

And I am receiving other attention also.

Its so weird, I never thought people would pay this much attention to me (even though only from a couple people). Especially during the time which I have a boyfriend. Like you couldn’t have wanted me when I didn’t have one?

But I still don’t know about you. You’ll be leaving to college before me and… are you even what I really want?

I’ve just ruined so many things with everyone because:

1. I don’t know how to say no.

2. I’m impulsive.

3. I don’t know the right thing to say at the right time.

4. I’m apparently selfish, which is news to me, because I didn’t previously think I was like this.

5. I’m a hypocrite.

6. I have next to no morals besides not smoking, drinking, or doing drugs.

7. I’m painfully awkward.

8. I want to please everyone and I can’t stand having people mad at me so I do what they want me to do for them no matter what it is.

9. I need people to want me and when they don’t I get upset.

So I have concluded that, contrary to popular belief, running away from my problems will be the best option at this point. Start over to try not to do any of the above things because they are all wrong. And college is the perfect time to do so. I honestly just don’t have the energy to deal with anything or anyone that I’ve ruined and that sucks because I know thats not right. But theres nothing I can do now to fix it. Except for move on. I don’t need people to make me feel awful for my mistakes and I just need to keep everything to myself and not share anything with anyone because that will just come right back to me. 

I really wish I wasn’t so stupid in the first place. I did this. I did this.

I like don’t even care about you anymore.

Now that you aren’t here, and we had, like, zero history, I honestly could care less. You’re a sucky person, but I guess I’m no better. I did the same thing you did to me. So I suppose I got what I deserved. From you, anyway.

As for you, you don’t know. And will not know. I could never tell you. I’m perfectly ok with pushing that to the back of my mind and continuing like it never happened. That also makes me a sucky person. And I don’t think I’ll get away without any consequences, of course not. But it was an impulse, I wanted it then, and now its over. I would be devastated if you did that to me, and it would be unforgivable, but hey, can’t say anything about it now that I’ve done it. 

I’m pretty used to people not really caring about how I feel about what they do. Its no excuse, really. I’m not used to someone actually staying with me and loving me and not trying to avoid me or do things that hurt me. Now its me thats doing the hurting. That’s not right, not to someone who has done nothing wrong.

Yeah you’re an idiot sometimes, but its not a big deal. Its nothing life threatening or relationship ruining. Like I am.